I have issues

I have issues. Go ahead ask any of my friends, they will tell you the same thing about me. I spend a lot of my time in denial. I am the queen of denial.  I know it is coming. I should not act surprised. There is little hints littered trough out my day, here and there, the extra sleep my body craves (doesn't everyone take a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day?), the stiffness that I feel in every joint after being in one position less than 5 minutes. But it is always quite a shock when I find myself in a full blown flare. I do not know why? You would think after 30 plus years of having Psoriatic Arthritis I would come to accept the tell tale signs. Instead I rally against them, denying that they exist. Because in itself denial will make everything go away. I am trying hard to listen to what my rheumatologist says: listen to your body. HA! What a joke! What he does not understand is my body has betrayed me. I told you, I have issues. How can I listen to the very body who will not work properly? But I try to listen to the man who knows far more about these things then I do. So instead of taking the body that has betrayed me on a forced march of a few miles; I will show it who is boss! (told you issues!) I instead take a few laps around the kitchen and sink back into the couch relieved that the grueling ordeal is over. I have to chuckle (or else I will cry buckets and buckets of tears) everything I do takes tons and tons of energy. Energy that I can verily muster. I debate for hours if I really need to use the bathroom. Adult diapers anyone? I remember back to  just a few days before when things were good.  I made my list of things, I would do when I was "flaring". How can one be so naive?  All the books, I would catch up. All the movie viewing I would consume. I totally forget how when I am flaring, all my concentration goes to it, the flare. It takes me whole being just to survive  We do school work on the floor Not because it is nice to mix it up a little, but because it takes to much effort to pull up a chair. I agree to whatever M&M says, she giggles because she knows she has given the wrong answer. I have no idea that it is wrong until she points it out. For a split second in between whatnot, I fear for my children, what will be come of them? But I have no energy for such thoughts. Even my prayers are short. I am grateful that it is me that hurts like this and not one of my four children who also suffer from the same disease. In between being grateful, I mutter WHY? towards the heavens. But it is not the question I am asking. I hope the Good Lord knows what I am really asking. I could careless why? Why went out of fashion with me the same time high waisted jeans were unfashionable (can someone please tell me why high waist jeans are coming back). Why will get me now where. The true question that I am trying to convey is what. What, as in what am I suppose to do with this? What am I suppose to do with the pain? What purpose does it serve? What am I suppose to be teaching my children of this journey? But most of all what am I suppose to do with the betrayal of my body?