It is tough

It is tough being TFOLT. We live in a complicated world where the rules are not always clearly defined. TFOLT would much prefer clearly defined boundaries. Plus a will let you on a little secret. I do not like to gossip, but I have it on good authority, that TFOLT is married to a crazy woman. It is no wonder he finds life to be slightly difficult at even the best of times. 

A recent conversation with TFOLT goes something like this:

Me: Do I look okay?

TFOLT: Yes

Me: Did you just say to me I look just okay?

TFOLT: You look fine. 

Me: So what you are saying is I look just fine?

TFOLT: YES!!!!

Me: Yes what??? I look just fine or do I look just okay?

TFOLT: YES!!!

ME: (Getting more agitated with this man!) Yes what? What will it be boy? which is a quote form our all time favorite song. 

TFLOT: YES!! you are totally deranged. Anything else you would like to know?

HUMPH! 

So if you have a little time and can spare a little prayer for TFOLT, I bet he would appreciate it. 

A Day Late A Dollar Short

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a girl who was always on time. Her motto was "If you are not 1o minutes early, you are late". The girl grew up and married TFOLT who did not subscribe to the silly notion that the girl held dear to her heart. TFOLT had many fine qualities but being on time was not one of them. TFOLT and the girl had many lovely children. Life got difficult especially as the children aged. Lounging in bed became norm not because those children were lazy but because 4 of them had juvenile arthritis. Mornings were difficult as joints refused to budge and move.The girl who grew up to be the mother, looked in the distant past fondly remembering when she was always on time instead of  rush, rush rush. But she was thankful that she no longer had to make the early morning daycare drop off, the hour long commute to the office, the constant shouting, "hurry up, we are late". Instead she stayed home frittering away on the couch eating bon bons subscribing to the theory that all learning in the house was done through osmosis. It was a happy house. Mornings became a thing of a distant past, as the magnificent children stayed up later and later so they could greet their father, TFOLT who worked  hard into the night building airplanes. Then one day the youngest, a fine young lady announced she wanted to supplement her learning through osmosis and take a class or two with her friends. The mother conceded as the beautiful girl had only teenage brothers to entertain her throughout the day. Then the realization came to the mother that the highers ups in the world of school required a start time of 9:30 am, practically the middle of the night for the family whose beginnings could be traced back to the mother who was a girl who held close to her heart, "you are late if you are not 10 minutes early". So the mother traded in her flowing gowns for a drill sergeant's uniform. No longer was the day greeted with peace and tranquility. Instead, one could hear the mother's shrill barking of the orders, "hurry up! We are late! No, we do not have time for braids! Did you hear me??? We are late! The comely Princess who only knew days filled with butterflies, rainbows and unicorns was soon introduce to a world of a commuter mentality. She learned to balance her coffee cup full of milk on her lap while quickly munching on her Cliff Jr. Bar while her mom whisked the carriage off to a land of higher learning all the while her mother proclaiming, "We are going to be late! We are late! What is with the lights? Why will it not turn green? Oh your class has started. We are late! ....Oh thank God, we are on time".

M&M wondering, "if we are so late why do we have time for this picture?"

Deny me my coffee

Sometimes conversations with TFOLT leaves me a little puzzled.

TFOLT claims he cannot stand coffee. I say he claims, because in 23 years of marriage, I have never seen him bring a cup within 3 feet of his lips. Coffee makes him nervous. It took approximately 16 years of marriage for him to bring me home a latte that he ordered all by himself. It took him another 2 years to be confident enough to purchase a bag of beans. I am pretty sure he would be more comfortable cruising Victoria Secrets then hanging out in a coffee shop. I pointed out to TFOLT today as I was making his sweet tea that he did not have a clue even how to make a cup of coffee. He did correctly guess the beans had to be ground. TFOLT arguments in the past has been he does not drink the stuff so he does not need to know how to make it. It is a total waste of breath for him to be arguing this as I do not drink sweet tea, but I am the chief sweet tea maker in this home and have been for the past 8,498 days (but who really is counting???). I asked TFOLT what would happen if I was totally incapacitated and unable to make it to the kitchen, who would make coffee for me? His response??? "well first off, it would totally depend on why you are incapacitated and how the doctors would feel about you even having a cup coffee". Humph! all this time I thought this man had my back and now he is going to defer what the doctors think? These are the same people that told us eggs are bad, oops wrong information eggs are good for you. Wine you should never drink the stuff. Oh sorry wine I mean it is good that is right it is good for you. Stay away from chocolate, oh wait chocolate is good for you. He is going to take the chance that on any given day the doctor might say oops it is Tuesday, coffee is bad, no soup for you today or should I say no coffee for you today. I am incapacitated! come on give me one thing to look forward too.

Simple words and actions mean a lot

I have been a family law paralegal for years. I cannot count the times I have been told by clients who were divorcing that they knew their marriage was over when their partner said something very simple and innocent. Just a few words said and at that point they just knew the marriage was not going to work. I have yet to hear from a person how their marriage was "saved" by their partner saying something simple and innocent. If the marriage was going downhill it has always taken work on both parties to save it. There was no easy fix (it makes you think how easy it is to break something but so hard to put it back together).

At times I believe TFOLT feels he is in a protected category, and that I would never leave him because he knows divorce is not an option in our relationship. So little effort takes place at times by both of us when it comes to our marriage, one has has to wonder why we have lasted for so long. Complacency is not always a good thing. Of course what TFOLT is forgetting is I have friends that will bring shovels and ask no questions.

The other day I knew our marriage was not in jeopardy when TFOLT said to me in all sincerity, "I would like to look into getting a Mac". I know you are asking yourself what does buying a Mac have to do with having a healthy relationship? Well let me tell you. TFOLT is anti Mac. TFOLT is so anti Mac, I believe Mr. Bill Gates himself is paying TFLOT off to tow the Microsoft line. I have been lobbying for years to get a Mac. All the reasons I have given have fallen on deaf ears when it comes to TFOLT. I swear there is a solid rock in the brain lobe where reasoning skills should be when it comes to the love of my life. Yes, my husband is hardheaded! It would be easier to convince Mr. Gates himself to purchase a Mac then to get TFOLT too consider it.

Then WHAM out of the blue TFOLT has seen the light and now is finally willing to consider a upgrade in life. One will have to ponder at this point, what will we do with all of our free time once we get the Mac and no longer have to repair the PC. Will we be living in utopia then? Will people visibly see the sense of calm that will surround us? I digress, if the love of my life is willing to budge on the Mac issue after 20 years, just think of all the other issues that have caused roadblocks in our relationship that have now been open. Who would know that just a few simple words said would have such a profound effect on our marriage.

P.S. I have been pondering this for days now. I was at the grocery store and the man ahead of me was purchasing, flowers, a bottle of wine, and really good chocolate. This man was clean and neat but you could tell just from the way he was dressed and by his calloused hands that he was a hardworking blue collar worker that nothing in life had come easy for him. My first thought was he must have a date. Woo Hoo older guy! Then I noticed his wedding ring. Maybe it is a foreign concept to me that a spouse would bring home flowers, wine and good chocolate on a Wednesday. Was it their anniversary? Was he in the dog house and this was his way of saying he was sorry? Or was it just the mere fact that he loved his wife and wanted to show he cared? I will never know that man's intentions but I do know there is a wife out their that is very lucky.

19 years is really not that long at all

This month TFOLT and I celebrate 19 years of being together, being married. Half of our lives, we have spent as a couple. It seems very strange because it only seems like yesterday TFOLT was proposing. If I had a crystal ball 19 years ago and seen what my future would hold with MR. THE FINDER OF LOST THINGS, I would have still said yes.

My favorite gift I ever got from TFOLT besides our children is a framed picture of our wedding day with the following lyrics attached:

Love of mine some day you will die But I'll be close behind I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of a spark If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

Retrouvaille

Love of mine some day you will die But I'll be close behind I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of a spark If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

This past weekend TFOLT and I celebrated our two year anniversary of going to Retrouvaille. Hell is a very strong word to describe a marriage. I mean it is eternal damnation. So if I had to describe our marriage two years ago it would have to be purgatory. Being married to TFOL was like living in Purgatory. I knew some how there was a way out but I was not sure if it would be positive or negative (Heaven or Hell). I was not even capable of saying what was wrong…it was just bad everything was wrong nothing was right. No infidelity etc. but still bad. We would talk until we were blue in the face…it came to a point from these conversation that both of us was more interested in hurting each other for one perceived insult after another. I knew I was right and John knew he was right. It became more about proving each other wrong. Neither of us was hearing what the other was saying. Thank God for Retrouvaille. We achieved in one weekend what it would have taken probably two years in marriage counseling if ever to achieve…there is no way I was going to give our marriage two years. I could not imagine giving our marriage two more weeks that is how bad the pain was. TFOLT and I had gone a really long time not really communicating. We worked opposite shifts, and it was just easier to do what we wanted personally instead of what we needed to do as a couple. We had down what is called married but living single to a tee. When we started working the same shift, things got difficult. Good Lord! I had to see that man every evening. He felt the same way. All we did was fight. Meatloaf's lyrics circled my head more often then not:

I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

So now I'm praying for the end of time

To hurry up and arrive

'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you

I don't think that I can really survive

The only thing that we agreed on was what was wrong with our relationship. Neither of us wanted divorced. I got how marriage counseling works and I was not interested in spending years and fortune only to wind up divorced. Besides I really loved TFOLT. I just was miserable living with him and vice verse. I was positive, I could live a part from him but stay married. Yes I know that sounds crazy now but hey it sounded reasonable then. I was reading a bar magazine (legal magazine) at work and learned about Retrouvaille. It has something like a 98% success rate. People even attend who have been divorced and get remarried. Retrouvaille is a peer based marriage ministries. It is run by married couples that went through similar situations as you are in other words their marriage sucked. It is not counseling. You attend a 3 day weekend where you work one on one with your spouse. You never ever share with anyone but your spouse. I cannot tell you how much Retrouvaille was an answer to our prayers for TFOLT and me. The weekend was such hard work, but so gratifying. I have never cried so much in my life but mostly they were happy tears. Retrouvaille gave me back my marriage and my husband. I found the man I had fallen in love with. TFOLT and I have experienced two miracles in our lives with our marriage. The fact that we are married. John and I both agree we are married because of divine intervention and that our marriage was saved by the Grace of God. By the way our Retrouvaille weekend rates higher for both of us then getting married.